Yesterday at the doctors office, I picked up a copy of T!me Magazine. The cover article was about birth order and how it affects one's personality. I couldn't read the article as thoroughly as I would have liked as it was a 2 hour appointment and I had 2 kids with me that I was trying to keep them occupied.
One of the points brought up was favoritism in families. Now, I know a lot of parents and with the exception of one, I know they all favor a child. They may say they don't, and they may think they don't, but being an outside observer of these families, it's always pretty clear who the favorite is. A few years ago I read a parenting book about sibling rivalry and what one can do to help ease the fighting in one's family. The book stated that most parents have a favorite, the key is, not letting them know who it is. At the time I belonged to a web group of women who all had children born around the same time as my son. I polled them and asked if they had a favorite. Out of 40 some women, only one replied that yes they had a favorite. In addition, the voting was anonymous, so no one was trying to skew their replies. But I do remember thinking, "that is complete and utter bullshit".
Here is a blurb from the article...
"MULTICHILD HOUSEHOLDS CAN BE NOTHING short of palace courts, with alliances, feuds, grudges and loyalties, all changing day to day. Perhaps the touchiest problem in most such families is favoritism.
Parents feel a lot of guilt over the often evident if rarely admitted preference they harbor for one child over another--the sensitive mom who goes gooey over her son the poet, the hard-knocks dad who adores his tough-as-nails daughter. If favorites exist, however, it may be not the parents' fault, but evolution's.
The family began as--and remains--a survival unit, with parents agreeing to care for the kids, the kids agreeing to carry on the genes and all of them doing what they can to make sure no one gets eaten by wolves. But the resources that make this possible are limited. "Economic means, types of jobs, even love and affection are in finite supply," says psychologist Mark Feinberg of Penn State. Parents, despite themselves, are programmed to notice the child who seems most worthy of the investment. While millenniums of socialization have helped us resist and even reverse this impulse, and we often pour much of a family's wealth and energy into the care of the disabled or difficult child, our primal programming still draws us to the pretty, gifted ones."
-Time July 10, 2006
I read somewhere that favoritism is unavoidable. Not because you actually "like" them more, but they are probably "easier" to parent, or their personality is more (or less) like yours. There truth is, there are people you get along with more than other people. Why would your children be different. This article suggests that is innate, which makes sense as well. Animals prefer the strongest, biggest of the litter, and leave the runt to die.
The article goes on to say that the kids know who the favorite is, even if YOU think they don't and that you think you are doing a good job of masking who your favorite is. The favorite is the one your other child/ren sends in to ask if they can go to the pool, or have ice cream for dinner. The one they has the highest chance of getting a yes from because guess what? They are the favorite.
There was also a lot of interesting information about only children, or what the PC new label, singletons. I was a singleton and so I have no real experience with the rivalry, or the favoritism, etc. However my mom does, and so does EVERY other person I have ever spoke to regarding their family life. Many knew who the favorite was, but they also know that they were still very loved, their needs were all met, and they are well adjusted people. Many still joke or tease the favorite and still call him momma's boy or daddy's little girl.
Sometimes when B sees our oldest really pummeling our youngest, he can become enraged. It brings up all of the torment that was inflicted upon him by his older brother. I have no personal experience with any of this since I am a singleton. But I find all of this research and information interesting, and a bit reassuring. How are all you parents handling this? How much of your own baggage are you bringing into your parenting?
