I don't want to go to sleep

I am fighting it.

I miss him so much.

I go into my back room and inhale the smell of him off of his furniture. I do that weekly.

Tonight we were at a Boy Scout meeting and I had to tell the person I was talking to "to stop".

We were talking about some Memorial day events and I was so, so fucking sad.

And all of a sudden I was crying and it was really embarasing.

But

I just want to cry.

And cry.

And cry.

And cry.

I don't want to go to sleep because I know he will be there.

And I don't want to see him there.

I want to see him here.

I miss him so God Damn Fucking Much.

I hate you cancer. You are such a fucking asshole.

I am so so mad.

Dying is one thing.

Having your life stolen form you is another. You are a prick.

This Memorial Day will be hard.

I think about you everyday.

I miss you every single day.

I know that I am not the only one.

You were the most amazing person we have ever met.

And the hole you have left in this family will never be filled.









I love you grandpa

I just received one of those copy and paste emails from a friend of mine. The topic was "one word" and you needed to use one word to describe a whole bunch of things....like cell phone, pets, favorite job, etc. So I was going down the list typing away and I got to "wish list item". And I stopped and I thought. And I thought. And I looked out the window and thought some more. And I tried to think of one single word that I wished for. World peace? Two words. Flat stomach? Two again. I sat there looking out at my street, on a gorgeous beautiful day on my couch, in my air conditioned home, with my family, all healthy, sleeping soundly upstairs. And I couldn't think of anything I really wished for.

What more could I ask for?

I am pushing the big 3 9 this fall, and as I am getting older, I truly am begining to settle into my skin.....who I am and what that means. I am comfortable with where I came from, where I am now, and where I am going. I like the way I parent and I don't care if you don't. I love my kids and I know that they are by far the greatest people I have ever met. I know they are going to fuck up, and I am prepared to face that head on. I don't have any doubts about that. I know so, so, so many people who are raising the most perfect children on earth, and I can only imagine what lies in store for them.

I love my home despite alll of its chaos. I know that I am messy, I know my halls have marks and I know the garage is so cluttered you can not walk through it. However I have a home that looks like a family lives there. Kids love my home and that is what I created. All of the neighbor kids congregate here and it makes my husband crazy. They climb the trees, use the bushes for forts, leave all of their crap all over the place and to me, it is heaven. Holidays are usually at my place because of location but also because the kids can run amok and no one worries. Kids climb out windows, jump off balconies, make s'mores in the backyard and come in and out without knocking.

It is a good thing to look at a wish list and not be able to think of a single thing.

Eventually I put "money" because who doesn't wish for more of that.










Last week was staff appreciation week at our school. The week is put on by the parents and each day the staff gets something done for them.....we bring everyone starbucks, we make breakfast, flowers, etc etc. Usually on the last day of the week each class has a party and the students honor the individual teachers. Dagny has had the same two teachers for two years. The children switch back and forth between these two profesionals depending on subjects, so they have spent a lot of time with these two fabulous women. As this year draws to a close, there is a lot of emotion from the children, teachers and parents since we are not just going a grade up.....we are graduating. These ladies received a bunch of recent 8 and 9 year olds and they are about to push them out of the nest, off to middle school. It is very emotional and very exciting.

So we parents put together a "party" which sounded like a very do-able event. We didn't want to do " decorate your cookie and have juice again". We wanted to change it up a bit. This was going to be the last time our kids would all be together for staff appreciation, and after two years of putting up with these hooligans, and just about begging the boys to please start wearing deodorant, we thought they deserved something more.

So we decided to take the party outside, in the 97 degree heat, and have an ice cream sundae party. The kids piled on pound of MnM's Nerds, Gummy worms and bears, sprinkles, Oreos, chocolate and butterscotch. We presented the teachers their gifts and then we were off to wash their cars.




And that's when things got a little crazy.



Now we knew that "washing the teachers cars" was really an excuse for a good old fashion water fight. What I guess we forgot to think about was the fact that the kids would scream as loud as the did, and the fact that were , you know, next to a school where other kids were learning and that all the other kids would be hanging out the windows, laughing and screaming and that it would be, you know, not so good.

But at the same time, really, really good.

One of the 7th grade classes had a substitute, and despite her best attempts to get her class under control, it wasn't really happening. She kept shouting "Who is in charge down there" and I don't think any of us parents "heard" her because we didn't answer. It was a bit like Rydell High. The kids LOVED it.

About half way through I went to the principal's office and turned myself in, since I knew her phone was gonna start ringing. (Its always better to turn yourself in before you get caught....you get in less trouble that way) She came out and was very understanding and I don't THINK we parents are in too much trouble, but I can't say for sure.

I do know our class will definitely be remembered. Sometimes you got shake things up a little.










Last night I took Jack to see the new Narnia movie. He lu-HUVES the Narnia books and he has been salivating over this movie for a good month now.

As the light dimmed, my cell phone buzzed and I saw it was Dagny calling from her BFF's house. I stepped outside to talk. She said

"Hey mom, it's me."

"Yes Dags"

"Yeah, Jenna and I were wondering if we could walk over to the Valley and meet Victoria"

( The Valley is our local movie theater, bowling, ice skating rink with restaurants, etc)

"Walk over and me Victoria and do what?"

" Oh you know just hang out"

"Just hang out?"

"Yeah"

" Alone?"

"Yeah"

"You want to know if I will let you and Jenna walk down to the Valley alone and cruise the a bowling alley alone ?"

crickets chirp

"Yeah ?"

"Put Jenna's mom on the phone"

Puts phone down


Jenna's mom:

"Hello?"

" What the hell is wrong with you?"

Jenna's mom bursts out laughing and then says

"Well, what was your answer?"

"What the hell do you THINK my answer was?"

" I told them no, but they thought you would say yes because you're 'cool' and 'laid back' "

"I am cool and laid back when they are in my HOUSE!! Not when they are walking down HIGHWAYS and going to BOWLING ALLEYS with creepy old men who are drinking Budweiser out of styrofoam cups wearing matching shirts and polishing their balls. JESUS !!!"

Jenna's mom laughs at me more

I tell her she is mean and I am breaking up with her which means our daughters won't grow up and have a double wedding and buy houses next door to each other and have babies at the same time.






Hope you all have a fabulous weekend.

A milestone

Last night I showed my daughter how to shave her legs. She now thinks she is the hottest thing since Ashely Tisdale. She has been asking for a while now, I don't know how long, I tune out most of her begging. Anyways, I was talking to my BFF trying to explain all of her reasons for doing it, and all of my reasons for not, one of which is she has no hair on her legs to begin with, so what's the point. Her reply was "If she has no hair on her legs, who cares if she shaves?" And I thought you know? She's right. So last night my little baby and I sat on the edge of the tub, ankle deep in water and I showed her how it was done. I explained to her that we all do it different.....some shave the whole leg, some shave the lower leg, some shave their feet, and some don't shave at all. It is all up to her. She asked what I did, I told her, and she thought that was what she too would do. So we are shaving partners now.

In addition, I woke up this morning and got dressed. As I was walking down the hall, I looked at myself and said "Self? What the hell are you wearing?" Turns out I had put on my daughter's t-shirt. AND DIDN'T NOTICE. Do you know what the hell that means? It means she is big. And tall. As big and tall ( OK, maybe not as BIG) as me and I can wear her clothing without noticing. What. The. HELL??!! Good Lord. She continues to run circles around us. She has been home one night this week, and it is the only night she will be home. We will probably see her tonight around 9, and after that, I won't see her until Saturday sometime when she comes home long enough to change clothes and leave again for her basketball game.

It is heating up around these parts. Supposed to be in the 90's. Our AC guy came out to do the final hook up thingie to make sure everything is a go. When he turned on the AC and I felt freezing cold air shooting out of the vents I just about cried. AC is a beautiful, beautiful thing. I heart it very much.

ttfn

Go ahead and say it

Go RIGHT ahead.

Silly, you are LAZY. You are LAZY LAZY LAZY LAZY LAZY. You are a LAZY WHORE BLOGGER and your blog should BREAK UP WITH YOU because you DO NOT DESERVE such a NICE BLOG.

And you would be right.

But the thing is, the final weeks of school have been really, really killer. The kids are getting ready to "step up" ( you are not allowed to use the "G" word until your senior your. Whatever) and that has been extremely time consuming in addition to working more than usual and my hands are tied and I am so exhausted each and every day and I so much as look at my blog and I cry because I just dont' know where I would begin.

So....

Things have been mad cap crazy. About two weeks ago we went to a fabulous wine dinner at the home of some friends of ours. I believe there were 14 couples present and while about half of these couples being in the same room together with alcohol can spell the serious disaster, we didn't. We were all pretty good, no one threw up in the bushes on the way home which is always a big plus. One of the hosts is a big guy at Jones soda, after a a lot few glasses of wine, I had the world's greatest idea ever. I asked him if next year he could donate to our auction, getting your child's face printed on the Jones label. He seemed to think it was do-able and I am already stashing my pennies because Jack could survive on nothing but Jones for the rest of his life if I allowed him, and OMG how fabulously freaked would he be to have his face plastered on the label.

Friday night we held our annual 5th Grade Bingo night, which funds all of our 5th grade send off activities. The night is exhausting for the 5th grade parents, but so much fun for the entire school. The back field is opened up and kids spend the evening running in and out, eating pizza, picking prizes, shrieking in delight when " guest callers" appear. A number of our incoming 6th grade families also attended, so it was nice getting to eye up our new kids. Hopefully we didn't scare any of them off with all of the madness.

We headed up to my Uncle's place at Mount Hood to celebrate Mother's Day weekend. Lucy the worlds greatest dog can not get up there fast enough. We forgot her leash which turned out to not be a problem as she doesn't really need one. She spent two days fetching sticks out of the river and running around for miles on end through the bush and the trees. She is now completely passed out and probably will be until tomorrow AM. We on the other hand, spent two days drinking wine, sitting by the river next to our campfire, playing games that cause people to do a lot of yelling, and general group loving. No injuries to report other than the stump my daughter dropped on my toe, which my mother was really, really supportive and sympathetic of. I can't remember the last time she called me a pussy, but what better time than mother's day. I think we finally broke out S'mores around 11:30 and I am hoping the kids were asleep by midnight. I am so tired I can hardly see straight and can't wait for early bedtime.

This Tuesday I am going to attend a "thank you brunch" at the Beaverton School District. I have spent the past 4 years serving on the PTO board and I am getting ready to step down and say goodbye. I have been on the board since Dagny started 1st grade and the thought of not being on it makes me a little sad. I will still be a helicopter parent, hovering over her as we head into middle school, just not as involved in the politics of things.

Shit. Who am I kidding? My nose will still be all up and in everyone's bid'ness.


Dagnys life continues to be a blur. I think every night when Brian comes home about the third question he asks is " Now where is Dagny?" And along with all of the lurve a group of 10 and 11 year old girls can shower upon each other, so comes all of the drama as well. Every day so and so and so and so are mad at each other. And while it is exhausting, it is even more amusing listening to them. The emails, the texts, the phone calls, the networking. She is very much looking forward to middle school. She did her forecasting last week and she and all most of her friends all signed up for the same things.


Jack is still a tae kwon do machine. He is now a yellow/green stripe belt working towards green. He just took the state tests and his scores are pretty unbelievable. The boy is pure genius. He is heading into 4th which means middle school is just around the bend for him. And that decision is going to keep me up at night. He is still a very active little cub scout and he made me the sweetest mother's day gift. How I was blessed with such a gently, kind loving boy is beyond me. I keep waiting for him to turn into an ass like a lot of other boys his age. But he doesn't, he keeps loving me to death, holding each and every door for me, young children adore the ground he walks on because he is so good and gentle with them. He will be the worlds greatest dad


OK, so as you see.....not much to tell or say. Hopefully now that I have broken my silence, I can continue to post about the mundane stoopid things that happen around here that make me smile and laugh every day.